Be kind… Always

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This is so true… Why can’t the world remember this?… You never know what is going on behind closed doors…

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A shadow

I wrote this soon after I left:

I would have stayed. I would have prayed. I would have fought for our lives. I tried. I failed. I am not sure what I did wrong. But I never did anything right.

I cried for you. I still do. My heart aches. I’m sad and lonely. Funny how I was lonely when I was with you. But you were there. This is different, this is final. This is me facing the world all alone. Me facing the world with no hope. No one at my side. I must find that hope.. deep within myself. I will find it.

I am starting to find it… but will not find it in any other man. Any other person. I can not let any other person dictate what and who I will be. I must find it within myself.

No longer. No longer will a man tell me what to do and who to be…

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Healing

Today I wonder where I’m going… I am still unsure of where I’ve been. Working through my past mistakes is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done…
Fessing up to what I did. Who I became… How did I become this person? How did I let these things happen? What happened to me, where did I go wrong? Can I change? Can I make my character better?

I want to be different. I want to be someone my kids are proud of and thankful for. I don’t want them to have the memories I’m sure they already have of me. Shameful embarrassing memories that they don’t deserve to have. No, I wouldn’t have my younger children if I had done what’s right so long ago. But, if I had done what’s right then my older ones would have someone to be proud of. Someone who showed them what’s right… Instead they have their own battles they are facing on a daily basis… Most likely stemming from my mistakes.

I am where I am.. can’t change the past. But from the words of a friend: But the first step is done. You’ve already started breaking the cycle. You had your reasons for staying, but the fact that you left is the important part. You saw the problem and you chose to change. You should be proud of yourself. Positivity brings positive things. And you’re right. It is a lifetime of healing. The point is that you are healing.

Becoming

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Are you where you want to be at this exact moment?

Are you willing to give up what you seemingly have in order to become who you want to be?

Sometimes we are so scared to try and move away from our comfort zone…

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

I have a new career opportunity that I’ve been involved in during the last couple of months. I believe I’m at the right place at the right time with it… It is something that I never thought little, ole me could do. It is definitely out of my comfort zone.

What do you want? Where is it that you want to be? What step out of your comfort zone can you take today to get there?

Adrift

What do you do when you are down?

Is there anything that helps lift you up out of the depression?

Sometimes it feels like I am in the middle of the ocean… and I am trying to reach shore… Wave after wave is crashing over me and I can’t swim any longer. I just want to give up…

This actually happened to me once… I went snorkeling with him a long time ago off the coast of Okinawa, Japan. We lived there for several years… He got the bright idea to swim out further and see if we could find any coral reefs. Yeah, neither one of us knew what we were doing… After a bit of swimming away from shore together, we both looked up and realized… yup… it had happened… We had been carried out further than we anticipated by the current. We began to swim back. It felt like every stroke into shore was 2 strokes back out… I felt like I was getting no where… I kept my eye on a distant tower that was on the shore to the left of us. It seemed like I was never going to pass it. I started crying, telling myself I was going to drown… I was so tired I could barely move my arms… But I had two children waiting at our campsite for us to get back. I kept thinking of them. I just kept moving my arms and praying.. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus… Please help me. Give me the strength… That tower moved little by little… It wasn’t much.. but each time I noticed a difference it was enough to keep me going… I eventually got to shore and just laid there.. completely exhausted, physically and mentally.

That’s how I feel now. Each time I take a stroke towards reaching my goals and dreams, another wave crashes over me. I’m worn out… that tower is barely moving.. But I have children waiting for me.. Watching me this time.. actually.. sometimes I feel like they are in a raft, tied to my leg… depending on me to take them to shore as well.. and I get so overwhelmed by the waves… Crashing over me, I can barely breathe… can barely swim… can barely see the shore line… and I just want to stop sometimes.. just to rest a bit. Just to catch my breath.. Just to lay down for a moment.. but it doesn’t work like that out in the middle of the ocean.. You’ve got to keep moving, watching out for those waves, or they’ll take you under. I am trying.. but sometimes… sometimes…

 

Single woman Standing!!

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A single word drifting across the wind;
a single tear falling down her chin.
A single beat skipping in her heart;
a single turn, and then they will part.
A single thought etched into her soul;
a single path for her to follow.
A single woman, walking all alone;
A single ray of hope… melting her heart of stone.