Momma

I have another part time job… I have several. Nothing really grand, or anything to brag about… Just something to help make ends meet until I figure out what I want to be when I grow up. 🙂

Yup, I’m still trying to figure that out… I never knew what I wanted when I was younger. I loved doing all sorts of things… kind of a Jack of all trades yet a master of none kind of person… You name it, I enjoyed it… and I’m still that way.

I’m pretty easy going. I will enjoy pretty much anything as long as the company is good. I’m not too picky when it comes to food, clothes, etc… So, maybe I shouldn’t be too picky when it comes to a career right? I don’t think so… The thought of going down the wrong path scares me, honestly.

You see, when I became a momma… that’s when I realized what I wanted to be when I grew up… Yet, here I am… single now.. and having to take care of everything! Having to be the momma, and provide for them too… I hate it.

I want to be home with them. It’s where I’m meant to be… A friend said, “Well, you’re just dealing with what everyone deals with now.. No on really likes to work.” That’s not what I’m dealing with… I definitely worked as a stay at home mom. Work isn’t the issue… All the jobs I go to, I actually enjoy. One of them is at a gas station… Yet, I actually like it. The issue isn’t work. The issue is… I am a momma.. and that’s all I want to be.

So, yes.. I’m scared of trying anything else… because what if it’s the wrong thing and is detrimental to my family? I don’t want to do anything that would hurt these kiddos… They’ve been through so much already.

So here I am.. not really turning left or right… Just sort of tip-toeing all over the place… hoping my steps stay on the right path.

Maybe I am putting too much thought into it? Maybe it shouldn’t be that hard? Maybe I’ve been controlled for so long, that now I don’t know how to properly think for myself?

Who knows?… All I know, is that I miss my babies when I leave and can’t wait to get back to them…

Thanks for letting me vent 🙂

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You are amazing!!!

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“Shatter your Limits! Transcend your fears!”

I am working on those two things right now.

Confidence is a major issue with me. Every time I think I can do something, I hear that voice… telling me that I can’t. That I’ll fail… That I’m not good enough or I’ll never amount to anything.

Fact is… considering everything I’ve been through.. and all that I am doing now… I Am Amazing!

I don’t say that with a big head… Not at all.. But I accept it as truth!

I am amazing… and so are you!

Act now!

Memories

Once upon a time I was 16… My family had just moved out of our house into an apartment. I had been dating him for several months at this time…

I was a night owl even then. It was pretty late for a school night.. Maybe 12… 1?…

I woke up to a noise. I froze in my bed… Eyes wide in the darkness.. Ears tuned into the noises around me.

It was outside.. a scrambling, a whimper… a thud, a grunt… a cry.

I wrapped my blankets around me and got on me knees in front of my window. Slowly, I barely opened one of the blinds so I could peer out into the night… There was one light in the parking lot.. Immediately I saw that there was a woman and a man in a vehicle down below. She was in the driver’s side, obviously trying to leave.. He was in the passenger’s side facing her, one knee propped on the seat, the other leg standing on the floor board… One hand on the seat and the other in front of him with his finger pointing towards her.

They argued… They were loud…

I watched… I was silent… Frozen…

He slapped her.

She moved her hands in front of her face… In the dark with little light I couldn’t see what exactly was happening, but it looked as though he was grabbing her shoulders and she was trying to protect herself… At that point I quietly slipped out of my room and ran to the phone… As I dialed 9-1-1, I dragged the phone to my room as far as it could go…

The dispatcher answered. I quickly told my story, while trying to make the cord reach to my window so I could see what was happening. He asked questions, to which I whispered my reply. I was so afraid the man below would see me.. would know that I had called.. and my family would be in danger…

This man was dangerous in my mind! Someone not to be trusted for myself or my parents… I waited on the line until the police arrived.. It was late in a small town, they didn’t take that long…

I hung up the phone and watched as two police officers arrived and went to the vehicle.. The couple immediately got out of their car. One officer led the woman inside and the other officer hand cuffed the man and put him in the back of the police car. I watched until the 2nd officer came out and they drove away…

I prayed he wouldn’t know it was me. I prayed for my family’s safety…

Then I forgot this story… Amazing right? Amazing how memories can be forgotten… Especially one so different, so traumatic as this… I didn’t see things like this very often. The only way I can explain why I forgot is because my own life was happening… I was with him at this time. He was controlling from the start… There’s a lot to tell about my own story at this age… So, yes.. this memory faded to the background…

Fast forward years later…

It was pretty late for a week night… Maybe 12?.. 1?..

This time I was already awake. Eyes wide in the darkness.. Ears tuned into the noises around me.

It was inside this time.. a scrambling, a whimper… a thud, a grunt… a cry.

Waiting for him to finish his drinking… Wondering what would happen this time… Praying he would drink fast enough to just want to go to sleep right away…

And I remembered.

I wrapped my blankets around me and sat up… I saw them in the vehicle below, on that night so long ago… I remembered my fear. My worry for her safety… for my parents safety…

And I wondered…

What had happened to me?… Why had this become ok?… Why wasn’t I on the phone dialing 9-1-1 as I had so many years before?.. Where had that brave girl gone, and who had replaced her with the shell that I had become?

Then I heard the footsteps coming up the stairs… and I forgot that story… Amazing right?.. Amazing how memories can fade into the background.

You’re beautiful!

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Allowing myself to be myself…

The most important relationship a woman can be in is the relationship with herself…

I am in a great love affair with myself…

I am awesome!

If you fuel your life on the opinions of others, you are going to run out of gas…

Stop trying to “fix” yourself, you are Not broken. You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure!

I love me!…

Alright… all that positive thinking for the day and I think it’s gonna be great one! We got this 🙂

sometimes lonely

Had a bout of loneliness last night… but I have to remember that right now is a time of healing for my kids and I. I honestly have nothing to offer if I’m still broken. So, we’re fixing that. I’m sure I’ll still have lonely days/nights.. but that’s because we’re meant for companionship.. It’s ok to get lonely.. Just don’t get lost in it!

I was also definitely lonely in my marriage.. but this is a different sort of loneliness if that makes sense? I feel like this is more final… With him, I still always had that hope that things would get better… Now, I am on my own. I fall into bed on my own. I pray on my own. I make all the decisions on my own.. It would be so nice at the end of a long day, to just have someone to fall into bed with and talk about things.. To sigh together and laugh and realize we made it one more day. To say our prayers, to hope our hopes and dream our dreams…

But with that said, I know it’s also not the time for me.. The time for me now is to focus on healing.. Healing for myself and my kids… I need to bring myself into focus and not get distracted by these things.. but sometimes… like last night… it just gets really hard.

Rest

Did you know that trees take a winter rest? This is why the leaves die. The tree no longer needs them as there will be less sunlight and water available during winter….

On the seventh day, the heavens and the earth were finished and filled with life. On the seventh day God rested from his work and all that he had made….
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If even the trees give us an example of rest, I think I need to start resting more. I find a lot of times if I get sick, it is soon after a busy time and it is almost as if my body is just trying to find a way to get me to rest…

So anyways, just a friendly word of encouragement to remember to sit with your family for a bit today and breathe.