What’s in a name?

I love finding out the meanings of names. I know all the meanings to my children’s names. Pure, Peace, Trust, Soldier, Blessing, and Strong-willed. I definitely see these characteristics in my kiddos. I think it is ok to wait a bit before naming your child. Praying about it, getting to know them a few days. It’s not necessary to get that birth certificate done the day of birth. Give it a few days and see what comes to you as you get to know your new one. I believe a week went by for each before we named our middle two.

baby-name-surprised

Another variant besides seeing the characteristics of the name meanings in the person, is seeing the need for that characteristic. For instance, my ex’s name meant Peace. And he was missing this. I prayed this over him, asking the Lord to help him walk out who he is, that he would learn to walk in peace and know true peace. I’m not sure if it was all in vain. Or maybe it helped at times. It just seemed he had too much chaos to overcome. He was never able to find that peace. At times now, when I am frustrated or overwhelmed with life as a single mother of six, I can feel myself wanting to blame him still. And I am reminded that this is my life now, each step is my choice, it is difficult, but it is where I am. I am not going to live my life blaming someone else. Constantly frustrated, constantly complaining. And so I take those thoughts and I turn them around and I pray Peace over myself. I take those deep breaths and think those happy thoughts. I count my blessings and thank God for every one. As life comes crashing down around me, I praise Him for the good things. And I find Peace, despite the chaos.

peace

The meaning of my name- Worthy to be Loved. Oooh how I desired this. When I was a young girl I discovered the meaning behind my name. I remember this feeling welling up in my heart of pure joy over being worthy of love! And I remember needing that. To be loved. To be accepted. To be wanted. Sadly, I fell into looking for it in places that turned out to be detrimental to me. Isn’t that the story we always hear? Young girl, looking for love in all the wrong places? She’s wanting to be accepted and she goes off with someone who “accepts” her, but in actuality he is also broken. Maybe he lacks esteem, so he belittles her to make himself feel better. Maybe he lacks peace, so he throws chaos at her to try and get rid of his own. Maybe he lacks love, so he tells her he hates her, so that he isn’t the only one. Misery loves company.

And all through this she still had that childlike faith, that if she could just smile enough, he’d be happy. If she’d be calm enough, he’d find peace. If she’d love enough, he might one day love her back… But you can’t fix someone who isn’t willing to be fixed. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. The only person you have any control over is yourself.

So here I am, years after draining myself, pouring myself into someone who didn’t reciprocate. And I’m trying to grasp the meaning of my name. Trying to walk in that meaning. As someone who is worthy of love. Trying to walk with my head up instead of always looking down. Trying not to hide in the corner. Trying not to run away at the slightest hint of rejection. Trying not to isolate myself. And it’s hard. I feel I’ve come so far in these years since I left, but I still have so far to go. I look at that meaning, and I roll my eyes. Who would love me? What do I have to offer?

But then I am gently reminded that it’s not all about me, but Him. He is my creator. He saw fit for me to be here. Who am I to question Him and His decision. He created me, He loves me, and He wants nothing more than for me to walk out the full Glory of who I am in Him. And so, I stop, I breathe, I find peace… And I realize, I am loved.

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