Better than then

Once when I was married I read a book. A horrible book that someone recommended for marriages. While there were some truths in it and information that was good, the majority of it was legalistic and demeaning to women.

A point in the book talked about divorce and how it wasn’t an option. How women should try their best to be there for their husbands no matter what. That if he did something illegal, she should stay married to him and visit him in jail and hope for his rehabilitation…

Ok… I think can understand that somewhat… to a point.

We read further and they recommended that if he was abusive you should still stay with him. Maybe moving out for a time to show him that his actions aren’t good and he needs to change. Then coming back into the home… With your children. Staying there. Hoping for the best. Waiting for him to change.

The couple goes on to tell us women to think about our children being raised without a father. Think about ourselves sleeping in a big lonely bed. Think about our finances and how will we provide for our children… They say it’s best to stay with him and make it work.

I will admit, this book was one reason why I stayed in my abusive marriage for so long. (16 years to be exact.)

This book has now been set on fire, as of 3 years ago.

I struggle now…

I have lonely nights in that big empty bed.

I don’t know where my next rent is coming from.

My kids have shoes that don’t fit.

I don’t know how to make my school schedule and my kids’ schedules work sometimes.

I depend on family and friends for help.

My children don’t have a father figure.



And it’s wonderful.

Nothing… Nothing I go through now compares to what I went through then.

I do not wonder all day if I’ll be good enough to not make him mad.

I do not keep my head down and try to say the right thing when he’s mad.

I don’t worry and try to fix things if I mess up and make a mistake, hiding it before he sees it.

I don’t wait in bed for hours, hoping he just falls asleep and leaves me alone.

I don’t worry if my children can hear, can see, what I’m going through. Fearing that they will be next.

I’m free. My children are free. And everything from this moment on will be beautiful.



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