What’s in a name?

I love finding out the meanings of names. I know all the meanings to my children’s names. Pure, Peace, Trust, Soldier, Blessing, and Strong-willed. I definitely see these characteristics in my kiddos. I think it is ok to wait a bit before naming your child. Praying about it, getting to know them a few days. It’s not necessary to get that birth certificate done the day of birth. Give it a few days and see what comes to you as you get to know your new one. I believe a week went by for each before we named our middle two.

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Another variant besides seeing the characteristics of the name meanings in the person, is seeing the need for that characteristic. For instance, my ex’s name meant Peace. And he was missing this. I prayed this over him, asking the Lord to help him walk out who he is, that he would learn to walk in peace and know true peace. I’m not sure if it was all in vain. Or maybe it helped at times. It just seemed he had too much chaos to overcome. He was never able to find that peace. At times now, when I am frustrated or overwhelmed with life as a single mother of six, I can feel myself wanting to blame him still. And I am reminded that this is my life now, each step is my choice, it is difficult, but it is where I am. I am not going to live my life blaming someone else. Constantly frustrated, constantly complaining. And so I take those thoughts and I turn them around and I pray Peace over myself. I take those deep breaths and think those happy thoughts. I count my blessings and thank God for every one. As life comes crashing down around me, I praise Him for the good things. And I find Peace, despite the chaos.

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The meaning of my name- Worthy to be Loved. Oooh how I desired this. When I was a young girl I discovered the meaning behind my name. I remember this feeling welling up in my heart of pure joy over being worthy of love! And I remember needing that. To be loved. To be accepted. To be wanted. Sadly, I fell into looking for it in places that turned out to be detrimental to me. Isn’t that the story we always hear? Young girl, looking for love in all the wrong places? She’s wanting to be accepted and she goes off with someone who “accepts” her, but in actuality he is also broken. Maybe he lacks esteem, so he belittles her to make himself feel better. Maybe he lacks peace, so he throws chaos at her to try and get rid of his own. Maybe he lacks love, so he tells her he hates her, so that he isn’t the only one. Misery loves company.

And all through this she still had that childlike faith, that if she could just smile enough, he’d be happy. If she’d be calm enough, he’d find peace. If she’d love enough, he might one day love her back… But you can’t fix someone who isn’t willing to be fixed. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. The only person you have any control over is yourself.

So here I am, years after draining myself, pouring myself into someone who didn’t reciprocate. And I’m trying to grasp the meaning of my name. Trying to walk in that meaning. As someone who is worthy of love. Trying to walk with my head up instead of always looking down. Trying not to hide in the corner. Trying not to run away at the slightest hint of rejection. Trying not to isolate myself. And it’s hard. I feel I’ve come so far in these years since I left, but I still have so far to go. I look at that meaning, and I roll my eyes. Who would love me? What do I have to offer?

But then I am gently reminded that it’s not all about me, but Him. He is my creator. He saw fit for me to be here. Who am I to question Him and His decision. He created me, He loves me, and He wants nothing more than for me to walk out the full Glory of who I am in Him. And so, I stop, I breathe, I find peace… And I realize, I am loved.

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still on the journey

I hate sparring up at the martial arts studio.. I love everything else about martial arts. I feel like it has helped my self confidence so much.. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just kidding myself.. What would I do if I was ever faced with him again? What would I do if I was ever hit again? What if I was attacked? Would I be able to defend myself? Would I cower in the corner? Go in a fetal position like I used to? What would I do?… So anywho, sparring.. Hate it… Usually just men are there. A room full of men hitting me.. Not cool… I feel stupid. I don’t know what I’m doing. Today was the first day I got to actually have contact.. I didn’t feel too bad about it until they were actually counting points. They only did that once. The guy got me 5-0… Ugh… What really sucked is that he got me right in the face at one point.. Smack dab in the nose… It still hurts a bit. Of course, when you get hit in the nose, that makes you tear up, and that pissed me off.. I wanted to run away, and hit him and cry all at the same time… I just stayed there and kept going. Wiped my tears at some point.. Felt like such a girl… Tearing up right now as I’m writing this.. Ugh.. I guess I’ve come a long way.. but got such a long way to go 

beauty

Ugh… How can I expect my daughter to believe she’s beautiful, when I can’t even get over my own shortcomings..

Today’s just one of those days where everything bothers me.. the scars on my lip, just ticking me off more than normal.
Freckles, yuck.. hair, frizzy.. nose, too big today.. teeth, slightly crooked.. did I mention the scars?

I’ve always known I’m not one of the “pretty girls”… Kind of knew that since I was 10… By that age you kind of know already where you fit in..

But I never thought I was terribly ugly or anything.

After years of hearing it though, it’s hard to look in the mirror and not think it…

Do you realize I had went years without really looking in the mirror?.. You may wonder how? How could you get ready in the morning?

Well, it’s easy.. If I had to do something, ie. brush hair, I would look at my hair… eye makeup, look at my eyes.. etc.. I never really looked at me though.

Sometimes I would catch glimpses and would cry.. I really tried not to look...

It wasn’t until recently that I began being able to even look at myself in the mirror. It’s still a process for me. Many days where the negative overwhelms the positive…

Yes, I know this is a shallow post… Why am I posting something so trivial as looks, right?

Well, it’s something every woman deals with. Every single woman… married woman… young woman… old woman… We all know we’re beautiful, right?.. but we also have that little part of us that wants to be one of the pretty girls.

Done rambling for the night… Just another single mom, working on her self-esteem, so she can be a good example to those girls who are growing up and needing their own self-esteem, so that they don’t run into stupid decisions like I did!

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sometimes lonely

Had a bout of loneliness last night… but I have to remember that right now is a time of healing for my kids and I. I honestly have nothing to offer if I’m still broken. So, we’re fixing that. I’m sure I’ll still have lonely days/nights.. but that’s because we’re meant for companionship.. It’s ok to get lonely.. Just don’t get lost in it!

I was also definitely lonely in my marriage.. but this is a different sort of loneliness if that makes sense? I feel like this is more final… With him, I still always had that hope that things would get better… Now, I am on my own. I fall into bed on my own. I pray on my own. I make all the decisions on my own.. It would be so nice at the end of a long day, to just have someone to fall into bed with and talk about things.. To sigh together and laugh and realize we made it one more day. To say our prayers, to hope our hopes and dream our dreams…

But with that said, I know it’s also not the time for me.. The time for me now is to focus on healing.. Healing for myself and my kids… I need to bring myself into focus and not get distracted by these things.. but sometimes… like last night… it just gets really hard.

My Bones

This song speaks to me so much…

Sometimes I don’t think I was stupid.. I just think I loved someone. Someone who hurt me. I didn’t mean to love that kind of person. I just did.

I was loyal. I have a certain view on marriage… You don’t give up on the person you love. You stay with him and help him…

I know… I know I was right to leave. I was right to keep myself and my children safe… but sometimes I wish he just would have listened.

I wish he would have listened and changed.

Been the one to protect me… The one I ran to… Instead of the one I needed to run from.

A shadow

I wrote this soon after I left:

I would have stayed. I would have prayed. I would have fought for our lives. I tried. I failed. I am not sure what I did wrong. But I never did anything right.

I cried for you. I still do. My heart aches. I’m sad and lonely. Funny how I was lonely when I was with you. But you were there. This is different, this is final. This is me facing the world all alone. Me facing the world with no hope. No one at my side. I must find that hope.. deep within myself. I will find it.

I am starting to find it… but will not find it in any other man. Any other person. I can not let any other person dictate what and who I will be. I must find it within myself.

No longer. No longer will a man tell me what to do and who to be…

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Bound

What has you bound?
Is it society? Our culture’s limitation that it sets on people?
Is it your family? Friends? Do they talk down about whatever it is that you are wanting to accomplish in your life?
Is it you?… Do your own thoughts limit what you think you can do? How far you believe you can go?

Most of the time, the abuse was… how should I say it? Manageable. There was a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse going on… It was always there. The physical abuse was random.
It could be every day.. It could be once a month.
The act of the physical abuse was just as random. Sometimes it was as simple as hair pulling, smacking, pushing me down.

Other times… Yeah… other times…

One of the worst experiences I had was when I was laying on the bed, tears steaming down my face and I just kept saying Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Of course you wouldn’t be able to understand what I was saying because I had duct tape over my mouth. Actually, I had duct tape around my legs and my arms as well.

I was bound.

I also had a knife to my throat…
I’m not really sure what I was thinking at that point. I couldn’t really explain that away as him just getting mad and going over board in a fit of anger… This wasn’t just a fit of anger.
This was wicked… premeditated (duct tape laid out beforehand)… calculated…
Sometimes, I wonder if I’m just as mentally ill as he is. To let these things go on like I did.

Anyways, I was bound. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t escape… I could move a little bit… My mind was still working… Wondering how to get out of the situation.. Looking for something to set my hands free. It’s funny what will go through your mind at times like these. I had scenes from movies that came to my mind, similar scenarios where the woman was able to escape.

Basically, I could move around a little on the bed. I could speak from under the duct tape… That’s all I could do… Physically I was bound.

Mentally, I was bound. I was stuck. I had stayed in this relationship for years. I could flail about a little bit.. thinking wonderful thoughts of escape… but in the end, I was never able to find that hidden tool that would help set me free.. Over and over, the tools were just out of my reach…

Where I started to find the strength to reach a little further, try a little harder.. is another story. Eventually, I did get free. I’m here to share that freedom and hope with you… Stay tuned, I will share more about both stories with you.
Blessing to you! And remember… I believe in you!