still on the journey

I hate sparring up at the martial arts studio.. I love everything else about martial arts. I feel like it has helped my self confidence so much.. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just kidding myself.. What would I do if I was ever faced with him again? What would I do if I was ever hit again? What if I was attacked? Would I be able to defend myself? Would I cower in the corner? Go in a fetal position like I used to? What would I do?… So anywho, sparring.. Hate it… Usually just men are there. A room full of men hitting me.. Not cool… I feel stupid. I don’t know what I’m doing. Today was the first day I got to actually have contact.. I didn’t feel too bad about it until they were actually counting points. They only did that once. The guy got me 5-0… Ugh… What really sucked is that he got me right in the face at one point.. Smack dab in the nose… It still hurts a bit. Of course, when you get hit in the nose, that makes you tear up, and that pissed me off.. I wanted to run away, and hit him and cry all at the same time… I just stayed there and kept going. Wiped my tears at some point.. Felt like such a girl… Tearing up right now as I’m writing this.. Ugh.. I guess I’ve come a long way.. but got such a long way to go 

beauty

Ugh… How can I expect my daughter to believe she’s beautiful, when I can’t even get over my own shortcomings..

Today’s just one of those days where everything bothers me.. the scars on my lip, just ticking me off more than normal.
Freckles, yuck.. hair, frizzy.. nose, too big today.. teeth, slightly crooked.. did I mention the scars?

I’ve always known I’m not one of the “pretty girls”… Kind of knew that since I was 10… By that age you kind of know already where you fit in..

But I never thought I was terribly ugly or anything.

After years of hearing it though, it’s hard to look in the mirror and not think it…

Do you realize I had went years without really looking in the mirror?.. You may wonder how? How could you get ready in the morning?

Well, it’s easy.. If I had to do something, ie. brush hair, I would look at my hair… eye makeup, look at my eyes.. etc.. I never really looked at me though.

Sometimes I would catch glimpses and would cry.. I really tried not to look...

It wasn’t until recently that I began being able to even look at myself in the mirror. It’s still a process for me. Many days where the negative overwhelms the positive…

Yes, I know this is a shallow post… Why am I posting something so trivial as looks, right?

Well, it’s something every woman deals with. Every single woman… married woman… young woman… old woman… We all know we’re beautiful, right?.. but we also have that little part of us that wants to be one of the pretty girls.

Done rambling for the night… Just another single mom, working on her self-esteem, so she can be a good example to those girls who are growing up and needing their own self-esteem, so that they don’t run into stupid decisions like I did!

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sometimes lonely

Had a bout of loneliness last night… but I have to remember that right now is a time of healing for my kids and I. I honestly have nothing to offer if I’m still broken. So, we’re fixing that. I’m sure I’ll still have lonely days/nights.. but that’s because we’re meant for companionship.. It’s ok to get lonely.. Just don’t get lost in it!

I was also definitely lonely in my marriage.. but this is a different sort of loneliness if that makes sense? I feel like this is more final… With him, I still always had that hope that things would get better… Now, I am on my own. I fall into bed on my own. I pray on my own. I make all the decisions on my own.. It would be so nice at the end of a long day, to just have someone to fall into bed with and talk about things.. To sigh together and laugh and realize we made it one more day. To say our prayers, to hope our hopes and dream our dreams…

But with that said, I know it’s also not the time for me.. The time for me now is to focus on healing.. Healing for myself and my kids… I need to bring myself into focus and not get distracted by these things.. but sometimes… like last night… it just gets really hard.

Friends

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I have been so blessed with true friends that are always willing to help me and lend an ear…

Sometimes I have a hard time believing I have good friends who really care..

It’s nothing on their part.. See part of his control was in telling me no one cared… No one liked me.. no one listened.. I wasn’t worth anything.. I wasn’t allowed to this or that..

It was hard building relationships when you weren’t allowed to hang out at their house. Sounds like I was a child… I felt like I was a child…

It was hard to build relationships when he constantly talked about the person behind her back. Talking about all her negatives… How she acted one day that might have been a warning that she didn’t really care.

I still have those little voices that bother me from time to time.. Trying to tell me that my friendships are just superficial. That the person doesn’t really care for me.. That she would always choose someone else over me…

I’m learning to realize that as I am healing, I am also becoming a better friend… and I am attracting those people to me more and more…

It’s a lot of self talk. Positive self talk. Telling myself I’m worthy. Looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I am a kind, smart, funny person and I am a good friend. Telling myself that I am loved… Trying to make up for all those years that the negatives were a constant.

A shadow

I wrote this soon after I left:

I would have stayed. I would have prayed. I would have fought for our lives. I tried. I failed. I am not sure what I did wrong. But I never did anything right.

I cried for you. I still do. My heart aches. I’m sad and lonely. Funny how I was lonely when I was with you. But you were there. This is different, this is final. This is me facing the world all alone. Me facing the world with no hope. No one at my side. I must find that hope.. deep within myself. I will find it.

I am starting to find it… but will not find it in any other man. Any other person. I can not let any other person dictate what and who I will be. I must find it within myself.

No longer. No longer will a man tell me what to do and who to be…

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Healing

Today I wonder where I’m going… I am still unsure of where I’ve been. Working through my past mistakes is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done…
Fessing up to what I did. Who I became… How did I become this person? How did I let these things happen? What happened to me, where did I go wrong? Can I change? Can I make my character better?

I want to be different. I want to be someone my kids are proud of and thankful for. I don’t want them to have the memories I’m sure they already have of me. Shameful embarrassing memories that they don’t deserve to have. No, I wouldn’t have my younger children if I had done what’s right so long ago. But, if I had done what’s right then my older ones would have someone to be proud of. Someone who showed them what’s right… Instead they have their own battles they are facing on a daily basis… Most likely stemming from my mistakes.

I am where I am.. can’t change the past. But from the words of a friend: But the first step is done. You’ve already started breaking the cycle. You had your reasons for staying, but the fact that you left is the important part. You saw the problem and you chose to change. You should be proud of yourself. Positivity brings positive things. And you’re right. It is a lifetime of healing. The point is that you are healing.