still on the journey

I hate sparring up at the martial arts studio.. I love everything else about martial arts. I feel like it has helped my self confidence so much.. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just kidding myself.. What would I do if I was ever faced with him again? What would I do if I was ever hit again? What if I was attacked? Would I be able to defend myself? Would I cower in the corner? Go in a fetal position like I used to? What would I do?… So anywho, sparring.. Hate it… Usually just men are there. A room full of men hitting me.. Not cool… I feel stupid. I don’t know what I’m doing. Today was the first day I got to actually have contact.. I didn’t feel too bad about it until they were actually counting points. They only did that once. The guy got me 5-0… Ugh… What really sucked is that he got me right in the face at one point.. Smack dab in the nose… It still hurts a bit. Of course, when you get hit in the nose, that makes you tear up, and that pissed me off.. I wanted to run away, and hit him and cry all at the same time… I just stayed there and kept going. Wiped my tears at some point.. Felt like such a girl… Tearing up right now as I’m writing this.. Ugh.. I guess I’ve come a long way.. but got such a long way to go 

Friends

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I have been so blessed with true friends that are always willing to help me and lend an ear…

Sometimes I have a hard time believing I have good friends who really care..

It’s nothing on their part.. See part of his control was in telling me no one cared… No one liked me.. no one listened.. I wasn’t worth anything.. I wasn’t allowed to this or that..

It was hard building relationships when you weren’t allowed to hang out at their house. Sounds like I was a child… I felt like I was a child…

It was hard to build relationships when he constantly talked about the person behind her back. Talking about all her negatives… How she acted one day that might have been a warning that she didn’t really care.

I still have those little voices that bother me from time to time.. Trying to tell me that my friendships are just superficial. That the person doesn’t really care for me.. That she would always choose someone else over me…

I’m learning to realize that as I am healing, I am also becoming a better friend… and I am attracting those people to me more and more…

It’s a lot of self talk. Positive self talk. Telling myself I’m worthy. Looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I am a kind, smart, funny person and I am a good friend. Telling myself that I am loved… Trying to make up for all those years that the negatives were a constant.

Healing

Today I wonder where I’m going… I am still unsure of where I’ve been. Working through my past mistakes is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done…
Fessing up to what I did. Who I became… How did I become this person? How did I let these things happen? What happened to me, where did I go wrong? Can I change? Can I make my character better?

I want to be different. I want to be someone my kids are proud of and thankful for. I don’t want them to have the memories I’m sure they already have of me. Shameful embarrassing memories that they don’t deserve to have. No, I wouldn’t have my younger children if I had done what’s right so long ago. But, if I had done what’s right then my older ones would have someone to be proud of. Someone who showed them what’s right… Instead they have their own battles they are facing on a daily basis… Most likely stemming from my mistakes.

I am where I am.. can’t change the past. But from the words of a friend: But the first step is done. You’ve already started breaking the cycle. You had your reasons for staying, but the fact that you left is the important part. You saw the problem and you chose to change. You should be proud of yourself. Positivity brings positive things. And you’re right. It is a lifetime of healing. The point is that you are healing.