still on the journey

I hate sparring up at the martial arts studio.. I love everything else about martial arts. I feel like it has helped my self confidence so much.. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just kidding myself.. What would I do if I was ever faced with him again? What would I do if I was ever hit again? What if I was attacked? Would I be able to defend myself? Would I cower in the corner? Go in a fetal position like I used to? What would I do?… So anywho, sparring.. Hate it… Usually just men are there. A room full of men hitting me.. Not cool… I feel stupid. I don’t know what I’m doing. Today was the first day I got to actually have contact.. I didn’t feel too bad about it until they were actually counting points. They only did that once. The guy got me 5-0… Ugh… What really sucked is that he got me right in the face at one point.. Smack dab in the nose… It still hurts a bit. Of course, when you get hit in the nose, that makes you tear up, and that pissed me off.. I wanted to run away, and hit him and cry all at the same time… I just stayed there and kept going. Wiped my tears at some point.. Felt like such a girl… Tearing up right now as I’m writing this.. Ugh.. I guess I’ve come a long way.. but got such a long way to go 

You are amazing!!!

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“Shatter your Limits! Transcend your fears!”

I am working on those two things right now.

Confidence is a major issue with me. Every time I think I can do something, I hear that voice… telling me that I can’t. That I’ll fail… That I’m not good enough or I’ll never amount to anything.

Fact is… considering everything I’ve been through.. and all that I am doing now… I Am Amazing!

I don’t say that with a big head… Not at all.. But I accept it as truth!

I am amazing… and so are you!

Act now!

Rest

Did you know that trees take a winter rest? This is why the leaves die. The tree no longer needs them as there will be less sunlight and water available during winter….

On the seventh day, the heavens and the earth were finished and filled with life. On the seventh day God rested from his work and all that he had made….
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If even the trees give us an example of rest, I think I need to start resting more. I find a lot of times if I get sick, it is soon after a busy time and it is almost as if my body is just trying to find a way to get me to rest…

So anyways, just a friendly word of encouragement to remember to sit with your family for a bit today and breathe.

My Bones

This song speaks to me so much…

Sometimes I don’t think I was stupid.. I just think I loved someone. Someone who hurt me. I didn’t mean to love that kind of person. I just did.

I was loyal. I have a certain view on marriage… You don’t give up on the person you love. You stay with him and help him…

I know… I know I was right to leave. I was right to keep myself and my children safe… but sometimes I wish he just would have listened.

I wish he would have listened and changed.

Been the one to protect me… The one I ran to… Instead of the one I needed to run from.

A shadow

I wrote this soon after I left:

I would have stayed. I would have prayed. I would have fought for our lives. I tried. I failed. I am not sure what I did wrong. But I never did anything right.

I cried for you. I still do. My heart aches. I’m sad and lonely. Funny how I was lonely when I was with you. But you were there. This is different, this is final. This is me facing the world all alone. Me facing the world with no hope. No one at my side. I must find that hope.. deep within myself. I will find it.

I am starting to find it… but will not find it in any other man. Any other person. I can not let any other person dictate what and who I will be. I must find it within myself.

No longer. No longer will a man tell me what to do and who to be…

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Regret

One thing I’ve been asked about on this journey is Regret.

“What’s the one thing you regret most about staying with him so long?”
“If you could change one thing that you regret, what would it be?”
“Do you regret your decision to stay?” “leave?”

Sometimes that answer changes depending on the day. Sometimes I’m thankful I stayed because I was given beautiful children from it. Little, marvelous people that I wouldn’t know if I had left and never had them.

Sometimes I regret that I stayed because I remember seeing the faces of those little, marvelous people as they were running to hide when their daddy got angry. Seeing them with fear on their faces and sadness in their eyes.

Sometimes I’m completely ok with having left when I did. We are stronger, healthier, better because of it…

Sometimes I regret giving up on a person… Oh yeah, those thoughts sometimes torment me. That I left a person who was mentally ill. Would I leave my husband if he had cancer? How dare I leave someone who had another type of illness… though not so visibly seen.

Today, I have no regrets… We are healing. We are loving. We are a happy family. We don’t live in fear of when daddy comes home and wondering what his mood will be that evening.. That anticipation looming over us all day long. Never letting us fully grasp the day and enjoy it.

Today I am rejoicing.. I am rejoicing in the kindness my children have been showing others. I am rejoicing over the relationships that we have built, as a family, and with other people. I am rejoicing over the freedom that I feel. I am rejoicing over the fact that I can rejoice. It’s one day at a time.. But I don’t want to live a single day in regret and depression any longer.

Each day I take 5 small steps towards becoming a better me. I encourage you to do the same. I believe in you!